I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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