Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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