I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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