overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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