if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
