I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
