You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All I want is dick and wine.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
