U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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