My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
