If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
