I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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