My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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