My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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