It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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