The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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