We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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