I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
