if you like me you must not know who I am
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
