I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
