If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
