I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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