The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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