Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
