My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
