have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
