Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
They took my balls.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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