Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
