I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
