I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think my mom watched the whole time
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
