If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
