I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
