How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
