I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
