need another drink. this is the easiest way
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
