dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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