my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
