She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
