Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
