During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
