Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
