why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
