Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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