My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
