I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
farters have to be the big spoon...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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