My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this boner is exhausting
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
