my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
