And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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