the condom got lost in my hair
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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