I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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