do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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