My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
