google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
the condom got lost in my hair
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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