Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
