I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
